The scorching heat, the ever-chaotic hair, the face that cannot pretend to be kind. It’s the first day of my birth month, and am still in Manila.
Devastated and frustrated, I sleep for two hours full and take naps every now and then. I feel tired—such a negative word—but I can’t help it. I want to go home, my heart is sinking, and I don’t think my sanity can take it any longer.
I try to comfort myself with coffee and the once-in-a-while conversations with workmates. As to how long I could last, I do not know. I haven’t conversed this much with anyone, and I am in the brink of finding out more about myself which is scary and I think as of now, inevitable. Do I wanna know who I am when it comes to talking to more than 5 people on a daily basis? I don’t think so. Urgh.
But the more I interact with others, the more I realize that I keep too much within me. I do not want telling every single soul about me. I am not comfortable in sharing my life, and one of the biggest reasons I could think of is that, I know that I’ll be judged for every word that I say and so I must stay silent most of the time. The things that I do out of curiosity, excitement, and for the sake of adventure, I bet they have a lot to say about it and that I am not prepared to be a topic one day.
“It’s your time to explore. Manila is big and there’s a lot of opportunities in store for you. A lot of things to do. Don’t you want challenges?” I hear my mom say over the phone. I hear my inner most circle say over the video calls. They have a point, but I am not that interested in vast opportunities or galleries or whatnot right now. What I want is to go home and cover myself in thick, cloudy blankets, and sleep for a month. I don’t want to involve myself with my passion right now.
And because it is my birth month, I don’t want to be overly invested in the “outgoing me”.
But…
Hello, April. My birth month. My month.
Here I am, sighing and rolling my eyes over iced coffee, riding motorbikes because I feel the need for speed, and reading other people’s stories to distract myself from crying (yes, am still a crybaby at 45). HAHAHAHAHA.
