I wanted to meetup with writers once in a while. Just to catch up, just to talk about writing and other things, just to see each other face-to-face. Or maybe we could just not talk at all, have coffee, and say our farewells. Because in an era where all we stare at is a screen, I wanted your presence as though we are having the greatest conversations in our lives.
And when I got what I wanted, I had a few realizations.
When meeting a new writer, I want to be alone with that person. It is something special for me, an encounter that occurs only once in a writer’s life. The first meeting is something sacred, a thing that could make or break the connection. Not totally imposing authority, but I think I like the way I am when talking to a new writer. In the presence of somebody else would make me quiet in the corner and let them talk instead.
Getting to know writers face-to-face, outside of the screen during online meetings, has always been interesting. You get to put a face on the voice that you hear from the other end. There will be times when you’ll like it and enjoy their company, but there will also be times when you’d prefer them as a voice during online meetings. HAHAHA.
Meeting with different personalities from different groups of people, apparently, has a good side (well, I thought floating amongst different people ain’t good cause that would put me under the “jack of all trades, master of none list, although am not saying that’s bad either). I think one of the good things about that is you get to make adjustments pretty quick, on how to approach a situation or a person, depending on where they’re coming from.
Giving feedback, when uncertain of feedback or the lack for more information to munch on thereof, could lead to misdirection. Therefore, giving enough feedback and advising on next steps moving forward, until more information is presented, could be the best way to proceed with things.
It’s not that I am emphasizing myself as a founder or as someone who started this complicated and chaotic world of Black Volume, but please understand. I am letting you have your freedom with your passion, your activities, your desires. I hope you let me have mine too. I am not canceling nor am I putting your advice or words off, but let me do my thing, okay? I know I have lapses here and there, and I am well aware as to what I need to know and do, but I plan to do that in my own time and pace. Your uninvited piece of advice would only make me go bitter and hide away from the world again. I might give up and stop everything just because somebody told me what to do. That is how extreme my mind tend to go whenever I am faced with someone who wants me to do this and that.
“Kaya mo yan”. I heard someone say as they tap my shoulder and left abruptly, without saying anything else. 3 words that I now realize I hate if not despise amongst other words. There’s a certain tone or volume or frequency that when you say it, it makes me go berserk. I guess that’s one reason why when someone says that in person or in messages, I don’t respond or reply anything other than a HAHAHAHA or I just leave it on read. Are you saying that to tell me that you’re not involving yourself with whatever I just said? Or did you say that just so you can say anything? Or did you say it to cheer me nonchalantly? I don’t know, but I don’t like it even if you had good intentions when you say those words. Maybe am just too sensitive with words.
Have I become dense and indifferent to not notice the small things? I overlooked the tension lingering in a meeting. I ignored someone who was obviously stating their intentions. I did not react when someone was trying to tell me something important, I just nodded and left. I stared at someone who was telling me about how their day went, they showed a mixture of emotions, but I just … stared, and said nothing. Am I becoming one of those normal persons who is busy waiting for the other person to stop talking so I could just say my piece? I don’t want that. Where am I and what have they done to the old me?
On the other hand, my face is becoming more transparent. Like, I cannot hide my emotions or my reactions when there ever are. I mean, whenever I have a reaction to something, I could not keep it to myself for a few hours. Contradicting, no? But I think I need a golden mask to hide myself and protect other people from me. I am becoming dangerous, in more ways than one.
