My sister suddenly wants to take law—I mean to enroll in Law School. Apparently, this has also been parked in my mind for quite some time now. But mine was more like “law or masterals?”
But then again, taking up law is not a joke. And am not just talking about finances. Ahaha. The time, effort, the books, the mental capacity that you need. And I want to support my sister with all that but WAIT A MINUTE. Am I capable of giving such support??? That situation and my life flashed before me: working a 9-5, with a VA job mid-day, selling art merch occasionally, printing art merch on the side, all that to support a total of 4 individuals with educational needs (that’s 4 including mine if I pursue it). Will I still be alive after a year? I wonder. Wow.
I whined a little in the presence of my mom. And of course, you know mom when she turns to a total mom phase mode. “Instead of complaining about your situation, why not find a way to manage all that? Why not find your strength to do everything? You just don’t know what blessings are in store for you when you stop complaining and start thinking and acting on it…” her voice echoed and faded, over and over again. On a daily basis now.
I sat on the floor outside my door and wept, while I stare at the beaming sun surrounded by clouds. I was about to think how life was so unfair but mom instilled another anti-life-is-so-unfair-mindset in my head way back when.
“When you think life is unfair, think about all the blessings you’ve been given since you were born. Do you really think life is unfair? But yes it is unfair in love and war as they all say, but it’s up to you to make it up for that unfairness and endure it day by day. You’re so lucky in life, don’t you know? Instead of wasting your time thinking life is unfair, why not put that energy to work and think about what else you can do while you’re still alive?”
So I cannot think about that now, right? Back to weeping. Now am thinking am helpless and hopeless. I told mom how am wondering about why my sister is asking me what to do here and there. And she said…
“Cause she sees that you’re the one who keeps doing random things here and there. But she’s not aware that all you do is waste money and not really to earn.”
Which is another thing she’s quite right about. I sigh with that statement. With all my complaining and whining, my mom always has a kickback. And yes I know, I’ve been spending here and there, with the facade that it is to earn money—well it is, but not for me, but for the artists and the creative people that I support.
Bottom line is, am so used to supporting a lot of people that when you think about it, supporting 4 educational plans should be easy as pie. The only question remains: will I still be alive after a year if I go all out?
Sigh. I am but a nobody with literally five families to feed. What to do? 🙃😅🤣
