Warning: if you’re not up for personal updates like this, you can just skip this post. I just need to bring this out of my system right now.
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When 2025 entered, I told myself I’ll pursue things that make me feel free. I also told myself that this year, I’ll detach myself from work people, because I don’t want any attachments especially when I know that this will be a temporary situation. But life has other plans.
At the start of the year, we pursued the book launch plans with R.C.A. Amurao, contacted a few new artists for a meetup, and we even became BFF with a few people from work. Where did all my personal plans go, I wonder.
Will I still be able to do the things I want, while keeping up with everything that is happening now? Is it true that no matter how you change the course of things, you’ll end up where you’re meant to be like a loop waiting for you to slip up your detours? Tsk.
And the biggest problem of all is: I am enjoying myself despite breaking the rules I set out for me. I guess once you’re beyond the calendar, you cannot escape from the path you chose when you were a bit younger—a fairy tale dream that manifested and planted itself on the ground.
And as if that wasn’t enough, here I am sleeping in a rental bed space (quite spacious by the way), living the life of a girl in an office. I’m not comfortable. I can’t sleep properly. It’s not the security and it’s not the humongous space. I’m not certain what it is, but I always want to go out early, to read and write and just let my mind wander about. My second week in the big city feels like a hallucination—like I drugged my system and found myself in a strange land. I think if I don’t get up and leave early, I’d be crying non-stop without knowing the reasons why.
But like every wake up call from the universe, I realize too, that there’s no point in sulking over this. I’ll be stuck in here if I don’t try to just live with it. Yes, I am 200% homesick. And yes, the more I stay here, the more certain I am that I’m not cut out for this—a life away from the trees, the birds, the fog, and the laughter that surrounded me back home. For now, I’ll have to endure everything. Just a few more weeks. A few more days.
Pardon my ramblings. My emotions are all over the place—I am all over the place right now. I am a walking chaos, sometimes cheery, often times down—it’s a rollercoaster ride that I myself am confused and dizzy. I guess the only things keeping me sane as of this moment, are the fresh books I read: work-in-progress prose that my colleagues have been writing. Without them, I think that I’d go insane and that I won’t be able to have the strength to ride the elevator and attend to things.
But back to pursuing dreams and goals and all those fantasies. I think that I’ll try to write again. I’ve been rusty because I tossed everything aside and focused on fangirling over artists here and there. But now I think that I can try to write again. Not the how to’s, or the management tips, or the unsolicited book reviews, or these scattered ramblings. I think that I can go back to writing all the stories in my head.
But…will it be okay? Will it be okay to write again? Just thinking about it terrifies me. What if somebody gets hurt? What if they relate themselves to what I write and attack me even if it’s not really about them? What if what I write is as dull as my personality and nobody would want to read it? What if what I write affects people the wrong way? It takes a big heart to have enough courage to write. I envy these kids who write freely. I wonder if it’s too late for me. I wonder if I’m just great at standing beside artists and never really standing up for my own work. Ahaha. So much to think about.
But… another but. Urgh. The first step for me to really go back into it, is to create a Webtoon. That means partnering with an artist. That means I can write in the shadows and let the artist shine in the limelight. That way, nobody would be curious about the writer. It’s all in the visuals and the flow. I just have to make sure it’s perfect. And I found the perfect story when I first saw the artist’s art style. When I saw it—I was like “WOW. This would be a great art style for THAT story.” And THAT story was not really polished, not really finished. It was my second attempt at comic script writing. Well technically my first attempt at Webtoon script writing, cause the first one is not really Webtoon but a local comic script (very heavy on culture and all). And because THAT story wasn’t finished, I can still tweak things up. The core of it is still vivid in my head, like a fresh…what do you call a good dream and a nightmare combined? Anyway. There. More about THAT story soon. For now, am quite excited for this collab!
Till next time!
XoXo,
ClumsyHobbyist
